A weekend without my shadow

Ryker and I spend a lot of time together — quite honestly, too much time together. I take him to day care each morning and pick him up from day care each evening. We spend most evenings together, and weekends as well. My husband has been working a LOT of 12 hour shifts, sometimes not being home to help in the morning or evening. Most days, I feel like I parent alone with no one to vent to. By the time Ryker goes to bed, I am dead tired from my full time day job, and full time night job. Needless to say, the hubby and I haven’t had a lot of time for each other. My good friend suggested we have Ryker stay the weekend with the in laws. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. So I got it all set up with my mother in law. She and my father in law are going to take him this coming weekend until Sunday. As I sat and thought about it, my anxiety went THROUGH the roof. I started to get teary eyed. HOW could I spend an entire weekend away from my child? This little human that took so much time and effort to conceive. This little person that I love more than anything in the whole world, who I never want to be away from? And then my friend says ” you and your husband need time without this little human. You need to be able to have you and reset and regroup.” Damn her for being right. She is right. But a little bit of me is breaking. Yes, it’s only 2 days, away from us, but I miss him already and it’s only Monday….

Mental break

One year later.

And just like that, we’re taking a break from expanding our family. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for one year. If i’m being honest, I wasn’t expecting to be where we are. I was envisioning us with a new baby, growing our family and soaking up all that goes with that. Instead, I sit here are my desk, putting on a face of happiness when inside, my heart breaks. The nurse outright asked me on the phone, “What would you like to do at this point?” I told her I needed a mental break. I’ve been peeing on sticks for a year and I just want to not think for a little bit. I want to relax and enjoy the summer. I want to kick things up and try for the 1,000th time to eat better. And get healthy. And love ME. I’m not loving me right now. And in a few months, we’ll see where things are at and go from there.

But for now, I’m going to be sad. Time heals all wounds, right?

“We weren’t even trying!”

I think every time I hear that, I puke in my mouth a little. It must be really nice to not have to try and be pregnant again. My heart is broken, and so is my head. I love my son more than words can honestly express. But I want him to have a sibling. I don’t want to raise an only child. I don’t want him to miss out on the fun of a sibling. My brother and I have a ton of memories from when we were kids. I want Ryker to experience that too. But maybe that’s not in our cards. Maybe we’re destined to have Ryker because he’s going to be enough child as 2 kids. I don’t know the answers right now, but my heart is broken.

Infertility is an asshole. PCOS is a bitch.

9 months later….

It’s been 9 months since we started trying for a second baby. And we’re still without any hope in the world. We spent 6 months trying without the help of medication, and that end in no pregnancy. Now we’re on month 4 of femara, hoping for better news. Pregnancy announcements still make my heart hurt.

I started reading the book “Trim Healthy Mama.” Have you head of it? It’s a way of life. It’s learning to prepare meals to give your blood sugar the proper rise and fall without highs and lows, generally speaking at least. For once in my 31 years on this planet, I’d love to actually accomplish something and see something through. I’m tired of trying things and failing at them. I’m tired of being tired. I don’t want to be a failure anymore.

Overworked and Overtired.

It’s been far too long since I updated, so it’s about time. It seems like all of my posts start like this lately!

So what’s new? Mr. Ryker is now 2. 2!!!! Where did THAT time go! He’s getting so big, and it makes me sick!! Some days I miss my snugly little baby, and other days, I love being able to sit and chat with him. It still amazes me, to this day, that he’s here and healthy and all mine. I don’t know if every parent feels that way. He’s learning something new every day it seems!

Ok, let me be honest. I’m having a horrible time figuring out what to say right now. I have a load of emotions on the brink of escaping from me and I don’t know how to get it all out without rambling. But, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I’m a mess. I’m tired. I’m over worked. I’m stressed. We have debt. We have Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, which adds to the stress of everyone in our families wanting to all see us at the exact same time. I started a new project at work, which I LOVE, but it’s exhausting to be doing that AND my normally scheduled work. I find myself doing so much extra during the day and there isn’t any additional pay associated with that right now. In a sense, I am in the process of potentially creating a new job for our department. I’m getting out of work later and later, and missing more and more time with my family. The stress of trying for baby # 2 (or 4, but who’s counting? Oh wait…me.) is starting to make me anxious. Or maybe it’s the meds I’m on so we can MAYBE get pregnant another time. I’m exhausted. The hubs is working overnights so I am home alone with Ryker, which is no problem at all, but I don’t sleep nearly as well when the hubs is at work. I’m so sick and tired of the presidential election debate crap. Quit the poop throwing! I’m tired of going on yahoo to read another story about how a parent neglected their child and he/she has died. I’m sick of seeing all the videos and photos of people overdosing on drugs. My heart breaks for those families having to pick up the pieces, and those children having to go through such horrible situations at such a young age. I’m tired of facebook and the fakeness that finds its way to my newsfeed on a daily basis. I have taken it off my phone because it takes time away from my family and my well being. I’m sick of PCOS. I don’t want to have to constantly worry about my health. I want to be normal, be able to eat whatever I want and if I gain weight, do what normal people do and lose it without the battle of not losing it and working twice as hard. I feel very alone after having a child. I’m tired of feeling alone at work. My department is very introverted. No one really talks, just emails each other. I miss my grandparents. It’s been almost 3 years since my grandma died. I miss her so much. I haven’t been walking on my lunches, which I can see is making a huge impact on the rest of my day. I eat my lunch ON my lunch breaks now because part of my new project is talking on the phone and really can’t be eating at my desk any longer, which is taking away from my lunch break walks.

I’m overworked and overtired.

Jealousy sucks.

I feel like when you’re trying to get pregnant, you get supernatural spidey senses and see EVERY pregnant person on the plant. 99.9% of the time, I don’t know their story. They could have struggled to get pregnant like we did the first time, or 3. But I still get jealous. I know, I know. Some people never get to experience pregnancy. I feel dumb even writing this post.But the truth is,  I’ve been so frickin grumpy and quiet and sad at work. All because my body is sorta working, but we’re not pregnant. There are worse things that could be going on. I get it. But this is what I’m dealing with in this moment.

Navigating the roadmap of life

I’m not looking for sympathy or poor me. This is my life. These are my mistakes, and this is my story.

Ever want a roadmap so you know where to go and what to say and what to do? Lately, I’ve been REALLY wondering where I put mine. I’ve been making some mistakes with some people I care deeply about, for no reason other than forgetfulness and selfishness. A friends father passed away and I didn’t send a card. Another friend had an incident with someone that we work with and I interacted with them when they offered to give us a slide for Ryker and didn’t my friend. I have since apologized to both. I’m exhausted. We’re broke. We live a dysfunctional marriage with my husband working odd hours and me getting stuck with the brunt of stuff at home. I try to keep a routine for Ryker so he doesn’t get to see the dysfunction we live in. I haven’t figured out the balance between home and work and friends and life. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to be a great friend, a great wife and a great mother when I can’t give everyone the attention and respect they deserve. I keep thinking I’m doing what’s best, and BAM someone gets hurt, and in the end, I’m hurting too and feel like a complete asshole. I’ve been walking around work in a daze because I feel so awful about how things have been going lately. Today, I got into my car after work, and couldn’t remember what I did most of the day. I also started taking online surveys in hopes to try and earn some gift cards to places to help with bills. It’s that bad. I haven’t been eating much since I’m so stressed about our budget (that we don’t have AT ALL but need to get into place like 6 months ago) and how I’ve handled things with my friends these past few weeks. And on top of all of that, we think its a great time to bring another child into this world. What the HELL are we doing?!?!?!

I was so stressed last night after work that after the hubby and I started to argue, I left. I walked out the door and got into my car and drove around. I walked out on my family. I WALKED OUT ON MY FAMILY!!! Who the HELL doesn’t that? Someone that doesn’t know how to balance. I didn’t want to fight with him, especially in front of Ryker. I didn’t want to say things that had NOTHING to do with him. I wasn’t mad at him. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated with how I have been or haven’t been handling things.

I’ve been looking for new jobs, and actually applied for a Job in Florida. Maybe a new change of scenery would be good for us all? Although, running away from your problems never solves anything. Who knows where our future lies. What I do know, is that I will continue to try and do what I think is best for me, my family, and my friendships since we are only not his planet for a short time.

Influenster Review Time! ZzzQuil!

So every now and again, I use this lovely blog to post about the goodies I get sent to me to test by the awesome people over at Influenster. Well today, I have a good one. I was sent a sample of NyQuil’s new Zzzquil. And let me tell you. This is a product you MUST try. Ryker has been sleeping through the night for a LONG TIME. But sometimes he decides he needs to be awake at 415 am for no apparent reason. We recently had one of these days. My day was DRAGGING on. I knew I was getting this voxbox int he mail, but wasn’t expecting it to arrive that day. THANK GOODNESS IT DID. I was so tired, and just wanted a good night of sleep. Before bed, I took ZzzQuil and off I went. When I woke up that morning, I was SHOCKED that I didn’t have the usual hangover associated with sleeping pills. Many years ago, I worked second and third shift, and falling asleep was always a challenge, especially when I worked third shift. This would have been such a blessing to have! As stated on the box, it’s non habit forming, which I can believe. Another thing I did like about the pills was that they didn’t knock me out so much that I couldn’t hear Ryker if he woke up. That was an added bonus for me as well. Seeing as I liked it so much, we’re going to get some for the hubby for when he works his overnight shifts. Maybe he’ll get a good day of sleep for once!!!!

I did received #ZzzQuil for testing purposes, but my review is unbiased. I can honestly say, if I didn’t like the product, you’d know. 🙂

Expanding the family by 2 feet… will we?

We’ve bee officially trying for baby #2 since May. The positive of this all, is that since I’ve gone off the pill, my body has ovulated for 2 months. The negative, is that both times have ended in me getting my period. So, for July, we’re back to square one. Back to tracking EVERYTHING. Back to peeing on sticks for days, hoping for the “surge” and immediately gettin’ busy. I had a doctors appointment a few weeks ago to make sure everything looked “right” in my uterus. The scan was good. Everything was doing what it was supposed to do, and they even saw the follicle I would eventually release. I asked the doctor if we could try without the meds for a bit, and she said “If you’re not pregnant in 6 months, call me. We’ll get you hooked up with Family Fertility at that point.” So, after this now starting month 3, I hope we don’t have to wait until that 6 month mark. I see all these new babies around me, and I can’t help but feel jealous. Do I know all the back stories? No. But many of these babies are being welcomed into families that have at least 1 additional child. I worry day in and day out that my body is just DONE with being pregnant, and we’ll never get the chance to expand our family further. I have hope that’s not the case, but only time will tell.

Here’s to another month of hoping my body with preform as it should! Maybe this month will be different.

Yet another rock and hard place?

Last Friday, I posted on facebook, asking if someone would be able to babysit Ryker that evening so the hubby and I could have date night. My sister in law texted me and asked if she could have him for the day! Perfect!!! She said she would be taking him down by my mother in law and they were going to do some stuff. She said I’ll have him home by 630pm. Great. The hubs had to leave for work at 730pm, so that would give them some time to hang before he left for work. So my sister in law got to our house at 7am to take Ryker since I wasn’t bringing him to daycare that day. They made their way to my mother in laws, which is about an hour and a half away from our house. I got texts throughout the day. Fast forward — I got out of work and met the hubs for dinner. We then ran to Fleet Farm and made our way home. It was just before 630pm. After about 15 mins we finally made a call to my sister in law asking how far out they were. They hadn’t left my inlaws yet. Insert ANGER. You hadn’t left yet?!?!?!? To start, my sister in law asked to take him for the day. The reasoning they were late? My father in law had to work and he wanted to see him for a bit. I am pretty sure he got out of work at 5pm and lives 5 mins from home. So this now makes me look like an asshole because I’m mad they kept Ryker longer. But here’s the thing — my mother in law doesn’t respect me. If I ask her to do something, she does the opposite. All that needed to happen was a phone call: “Hey, we wanted to wait until grandpa gets home from work so he can see Ryker for a little bit, so he’s going to be home a little late.” That’s it. One phone call. But no one had the courtesy to let us know that. So I sent my mother in law an email stating that I was upset and that we had asked that Ryker be brought home at the time discussed. I stated that I didnt feel respected by her. There were more words than that, but overall that was the idea of the email. She responded with a text stating that I needed to stop reprimanding her and that I was rude in my message to her. All I want it to know where my kid is! It took me a long time to have him and I want to know where he is.

Advice? What do you all think? Am I wrong? I need to know.