A weekend without my shadow

Ryker and I spend a lot of time together — quite honestly, too much time together. I take him to day care each morning and pick him up from day care each evening. We spend most evenings together, and weekends as well. My husband has been working a LOT of 12 hour shifts, sometimes not being home to help in the morning or evening. Most days, I feel like I parent alone with no one to vent to. By the time Ryker goes to bed, I am dead tired from my full time day job, and full time night job. Needless to say, the hubby and I haven’t had a lot of time for each other. My good friend suggested we have Ryker stay the weekend with the in laws. The more I thought about it, the better it sounded. So I got it all set up with my mother in law. She and my father in law are going to take him this coming weekend until Sunday. As I sat and thought about it, my anxiety went THROUGH the roof. I started to get teary eyed. HOW could I spend an entire weekend away from my child? This little human that took so much time and effort to conceive. This little person that I love more than anything in the whole world, who I never want to be away from? And then my friend says ” you and your husband need time without this little human. You need to be able to have you and reset and regroup.” Damn her for being right. She is right. But a little bit of me is breaking. Yes, it’s only 2 days, away from us, but I miss him already and it’s only Monday….


Mental break

One year later.

And just like that, we’re taking a break from expanding our family. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for one year. If i’m being honest, I wasn’t expecting to be where we are. I was envisioning us with a new baby, growing our family and soaking up all that goes with that. Instead, I sit here are my desk, putting on a face of happiness when inside, my heart breaks. The nurse outright asked me on the phone, “What would you like to do at this point?” I told her I needed a mental break. I’ve been peeing on sticks for a year and I just want to not think for a little bit. I want to relax and enjoy the summer. I want to kick things up and try for the 1,000th time to eat better. And get healthy. And love ME. I’m not loving me right now. And in a few months, we’ll see where things are at and go from there.

But for now, I’m going to be sad. Time heals all wounds, right?

“We weren’t even trying!”

I think every time I hear that, I puke in my mouth a little. It must be really nice to not have to try and be pregnant again. My heart is broken, and so is my head. I love my son more than words can honestly express. But I want him to have a sibling. I don’t want to raise an only child. I don’t want him to miss out on the fun of a sibling. My brother and I have a ton of memories from when we were kids. I want Ryker to experience that too. But maybe that’s not in our cards. Maybe we’re destined to have Ryker because he’s going to be enough child as 2 kids. I don’t know the answers right now, but my heart is broken.

Infertility is an asshole. PCOS is a bitch.

9 months later….

It’s been 9 months since we started trying for a second baby. And we’re still without any hope in the world. We spent 6 months trying without the help of medication, and that end in no pregnancy. Now we’re on month 4 of femara, hoping for better news. Pregnancy announcements still make my heart hurt.

I started reading the book “Trim Healthy Mama.” Have you head of it? It’s a way of life. It’s learning to prepare meals to give your blood sugar the proper rise and fall without highs and lows, generally speaking at least. For once in my 31 years on this planet, I’d love to actually accomplish something and see something through. I’m tired of trying things and failing at them. I’m tired of being tired. I don’t want to be a failure anymore.

Overworked and Overtired.

It’s been far too long since I updated, so it’s about time. It seems like all of my posts start like this lately!

So what’s new? Mr. Ryker is now 2. 2!!!! Where did THAT time go! He’s getting so big, and it makes me sick!! Some days I miss my snugly little baby, and other days, I love being able to sit and chat with him. It still amazes me, to this day, that he’s here and healthy and all mine. I don’t know if every parent feels that way. He’s learning something new every day it seems!

Ok, let me be honest. I’m having a horrible time figuring out what to say right now. I have a load of emotions on the brink of escaping from me and I don’t know how to get it all out without rambling. But, that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I’m a mess. I’m tired. I’m over worked. I’m stressed. We have debt. We have Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, which adds to the stress of everyone in our families wanting to all see us at the exact same time. I started a new project at work, which I LOVE, but it’s exhausting to be doing that AND my normally scheduled work. I find myself doing so much extra during the day and there isn’t any additional pay associated with that right now. In a sense, I am in the process of potentially creating a new job for our department. I’m getting out of work later and later, and missing more and more time with my family. The stress of trying for baby # 2 (or 4, but who’s counting? Oh wait…me.) is starting to make me anxious. Or maybe it’s the meds I’m on so we can MAYBE get pregnant another time. I’m exhausted. The hubs is working overnights so I am home alone with Ryker, which is no problem at all, but I don’t sleep nearly as well when the hubs is at work. I’m so sick and tired of the presidential election debate crap. Quit the poop throwing! I’m tired of going on yahoo to read another story about how a parent neglected their child and he/she has died. I’m sick of seeing all the videos and photos of people overdosing on drugs. My heart breaks for those families having to pick up the pieces, and those children having to go through such horrible situations at such a young age. I’m tired of facebook and the fakeness that finds its way to my newsfeed on a daily basis. I have taken it off my phone because it takes time away from my family and my well being. I’m sick of PCOS. I don’t want to have to constantly worry about my health. I want to be normal, be able to eat whatever I want and if I gain weight, do what normal people do and lose it without the battle of not losing it and working twice as hard. I feel very alone after having a child. I’m tired of feeling alone at work. My department is very introverted. No one really talks, just emails each other. I miss my grandparents. It’s been almost 3 years since my grandma died. I miss her so much. I haven’t been walking on my lunches, which I can see is making a huge impact on the rest of my day. I eat my lunch ON my lunch breaks now because part of my new project is talking on the phone and really can’t be eating at my desk any longer, which is taking away from my lunch break walks.

I’m overworked and overtired.

Jealousy sucks.

I feel like when you’re trying to get pregnant, you get supernatural spidey senses and see EVERY pregnant person on the plant. 99.9% of the time, I don’t know their story. They could have struggled to get pregnant like we did the first time, or 3. But I still get jealous. I know, I know. Some people never get to experience pregnancy. I feel dumb even writing this post.But the truth is,  I’ve been so frickin grumpy and quiet and sad at work. All because my body is sorta working, but we’re not pregnant. There are worse things that could be going on. I get it. But this is what I’m dealing with in this moment.

Navigating the roadmap of life

I’m not looking for sympathy or poor me. This is my life. These are my mistakes, and this is my story.

Ever want a roadmap so you know where to go and what to say and what to do? Lately, I’ve been REALLY wondering where I put mine. I’ve been making some mistakes with some people I care deeply about, for no reason other than forgetfulness and selfishness. A friends father passed away and I didn’t send a card. Another friend had an incident with someone that we work with and I interacted with them when they offered to give us a slide for Ryker and didn’t my friend. I have since apologized to both. I’m exhausted. We’re broke. We live a dysfunctional marriage with my husband working odd hours and me getting stuck with the brunt of stuff at home. I try to keep a routine for Ryker so he doesn’t get to see the dysfunction we live in. I haven’t figured out the balance between home and work and friends and life. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to be a great friend, a great wife and a great mother when I can’t give everyone the attention and respect they deserve. I keep thinking I’m doing what’s best, and BAM someone gets hurt, and in the end, I’m hurting too and feel like a complete asshole. I’ve been walking around work in a daze because I feel so awful about how things have been going lately. Today, I got into my car after work, and couldn’t remember what I did most of the day. I also started taking online surveys in hopes to try and earn some gift cards to places to help with bills. It’s that bad. I haven’t been eating much since I’m so stressed about our budget (that we don’t have AT ALL but need to get into place like 6 months ago) and how I’ve handled things with my friends these past few weeks. And on top of all of that, we think its a great time to bring another child into this world. What the HELL are we doing?!?!?!

I was so stressed last night after work that after the hubby and I started to argue, I left. I walked out the door and got into my car and drove around. I walked out on my family. I WALKED OUT ON MY FAMILY!!! Who the HELL doesn’t that? Someone that doesn’t know how to balance. I didn’t want to fight with him, especially in front of Ryker. I didn’t want to say things that had NOTHING to do with him. I wasn’t mad at him. I’m frustrated with myself. I’m frustrated with how I have been or haven’t been handling things.

I’ve been looking for new jobs, and actually applied for a Job in Florida. Maybe a new change of scenery would be good for us all? Although, running away from your problems never solves anything. Who knows where our future lies. What I do know, is that I will continue to try and do what I think is best for me, my family, and my friendships since we are only not his planet for a short time.